gustaakh dil

one of those days when day starts with moon and night doesn’t end before sun..

wandering in wilderness , the search begins and ends with sweated mind and merging souls.. the wander lust aggravates with no answers. All that comes is the unsatiated hunger and more yearning. Eyes embrace the longing but always trying to hide the wicked heart…gustaakh dil!

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Wicked gusto of wind 
where are u hunting… 
Black hole is in ur heart…
With addictive embrace ..
Enticing eternal hunger.. 
It ll elope you forever..
No dont work urself out… 
Be mean and ruthless , 
Not heart broken..
Stop trying and break away
No matter what..

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Baat karni mujhe mushkil kabhi aise to na thi..

Thinking hard what to write
Type and delete.. What a plight
On any rough paper
Heart would flow out through pen
It was never so tough back then
Burning thoughts
u hv smoked me enuf
Saying ‘i miss u’ is why so tough
U will mock at me
My weakness will appear
Please say its only my fear
I want it all , not just a puff
Writing to u is not enough

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yeh tera ghar yeh mera ghar…

home

For that which is boundless in you

abides in the mansion of the sky,

whose door is the morning mist,

and whose window are the songs

and the silences of night.

Your house shall be not an anchor but a mast..

you shall not fold your wings

that you may pass through doors,

nor bend your heads

that they strike not against the ceiling..

nor fear to breathe

lest walls should crack and fall down.

(Kahlil Gibran)

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Lost and Found Morning Walk

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Whenever i plan walk with LWG group my body clock wakes me up at 4, even if my thoughts (or somebody else thoughts 😉 keep me awake till late night! Picked up my fone and saw didi’s sms that i cant come for walk because i have long day. I was quite surprised as long days never bother her. Me and didi have long association. In college days i remember her to be no nonsense girl, strong headed, mast and full of energy, surrounded by friends, all positive energy people. After ten years we met in Gurgaon. Same person, full of energy. She motivated both of us to go for walks on Saturdays. So when i saw her msg i lost my motivation to go with LWG group that day.

Went back to my cozy bed. Cool breeze from window kept me awake for quite some time giving me full flow thoughts. Thinking early in the morning had become a routine for me now. It always results in something  new, few lines or a story which is close to my heart. After some contemplation i found the lost motivation to go for walk alone and got up and ventured out.

Sleepy Gurgaon, empty roads is strange sight to see! Walking on bad roads is not as bad as driving on them! My mind drifted back to Chandigarh morning walks. The whole comparison between Chandigarh , city of my dreams, with Gurgaon  is another complete blog so will skip it here! They say smile is infectious. But not here in Gurgaon . Smile meets the question mark in eyes as if early morning walk for alone lady is crime here!

Anyhow i enter the park, no light at all except sun trying to come fast to help me out! As my eyes adjusted to natural light i realised thr were four or five people in park walking, jogging, strolling! First day enthusiasm , i was walking fast and suddenly i was in a puddle! And lost the path. Then i heard some running steps coming closer. From his voice he sounded like in mid twenties, like a command he said “follow me”, and i like a soldier in command started following on his footsteps, and found my path again. On my thanks i just saw his raised hand (like see ya!)

After two rounds my mind wanted more out of this morning then i decided in mind to walk till nearby gurdwara just close to my daughters school. The explanation i was giving to myself was ,  i’ll get to know in how much time  i can reach her school walking! Why the hell i would go walking to her school!! and why the hell i need to give myself reasons for each and everything i do! Still sleepy Gurgaon  had some awake dogs! Some running around , chasing pigs, sitting near thr sleepy masters, waiting for them to wake up! Reached gurdwara just when ardaas started. But to my surprise nobody except the two people doing path! Chandigarh gurdwaras kept coming to my mind. (i think i will never  stop comparing Gurgaon to Chandigarh!) Took Prasad and reached home.

My aim of one hour outing in morning was achieved. Had tea with ma in balcony with little chats. Out of habit reached for my fone for updating facebook status of successful walk. But could not find fone anywhere. Now i have lost fone! My husband who was too sleepy to say hi when i came back was up and in car with me lashing out his gyaan about which pockets are safe to keep fones, which path i took was not right and how i dint apply common sense and lost my fone!! I was not able to comprehend how with his fast driving he was scanning road which i took for walk. Scanning park was not done , because as per him lots of people walking thr so somebody must hv already taken it away. I was wondering why on road nobody will pick it up! Reached gurdwara and he stayed outside sending me in. I went in and  bowed my head with very mean question/complaint  in mind “i dint put any money in ur box in morning, thats y this punishment??”  I enquired and an elderly gentleman came and gave me my fone. He said “Thr were calls coming , but i don’t know how to operate this fone, its very different!” i smiled and touched his feet. Found my lost ifone and also got answer  from Him too “Just wanted you to come back to me my child, keep visiting!”

I  smiled to my husband from gurdwara gate . as i entered he asked me “matha takia? (did u donate money?)”, i said no!!

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Out of sight, out of mind

Out of sight , out of mind
This thought came in mind when i got off from facebook for sometime. Need of connection is much higher than need of affection in me. Feeling so ambiguous, like grey character. I love it as much i hate it. Everyone try to control and comment on what u think, because by sharing it i invite the opinions, judgement, ideas, thoughts over thoughts. Being free from that control i love being out of sight. But that makes me out of mind and it hurts! When someone is so all over my mind that i am not able to think devoid of his thoughts, then i wish when he is out of sight he should be out of mind also..but that wish is never granted!

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he calls me to surrender…. i smile and hide behind my shades… or my heart will reveal my secret… eyes are bad at lying.. i am there out somewhere….

free from sight and mind…

gagz

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